I am Bi Polar today

Having Manic depression is just like have a terminal illness. I wake up every day not knowing if I can work or if I am going to curl up in a ball. Hiding from the world seems like the easiest answer. I live in a world where the only person who understands my anxiety r's deer and my bi polar1 is my doctor who keeps feeding me pills. I want to get off the pills and get treatment. But sadly insurance companies would rather keep me on pills then help me with a 30 day treatment program. Why off the meds you ask? Because my life is literally a roller coaster. My ups and down a rapid cycling and I am terrified @f what's next. After you take so many pills and they increase dsage. What's next? I want to feel what its like to not have to worry about a script refill or a Manic weekend. I am strong. I tell myself I am doing the best I can. But I cant help but feel I am not doing good enough. The constant emotional drain of self loathing. I wait for the mania to kick in. So I can drink tea and shop on cloud 9. But it is never that simple. Today I am starting a blog. To blog about the daily life of a bright, young woman's struggles with bi polar. Hopefully I can reach out to people and we can share stories and techniques of survival. Today I might not like myself. Even though my life is perfect and the only one that has a problem is me. I will do my best to shake it off. And concur another day.